She asks you if you’re gay
Because your brother raped you.
You tell her no.
You’re attracted to her.
(Skin, bones and furious passion)

I look in the mirror
And sometimes I can’t recognise the eyes that blink back at me.
I look at my hands
And wonder who they belong to:
I, me, myself.
(Or so I am told)

He asks you if it’s cool to be gay
Because “girls mostly do”.
You tell him no; what kind of girls would they even be?
You wished to tell him how much you lost trying to understand those feelings;
Tell him it isn’t as easy as crossing off a box under sexual orientation on your Facebook page, is it?
There are no books, movies or friends to turn to.
You’re attracted to a girl
And you have not a single damn idea how that works.
(Female skin, female bones and furious passion)

So you think of writing it down:
Step by step,
A user manual.
For posterity.
For everyone who was neither the best friend nor the girlfriend.
For everyone grasping at straws, satisfied with scraps
Between labels:
Only for a moment to feel sane.
(Fuck the Kinsey scale)

I look in the mirror
At the strange face, the fallen snips of her hair are being broomed away by a strange man.
I flex my fingers
And the reflection in the mirror flexes hers too.
I, me, myself – with shorter hair.
(Or so I must believe)

You ask yourself: is this relief you feel?
Because you’re capable of crushing on a boy
And you can fit inside the given box,
Seek advice and rarely hide.
You tell yourself – does it matter?
You’re attracted to him.
(Far beneath the skin, deeper than bones and curious-er than passion)

I look in the mirror
And the face that stares back is unsightly and wearied.
I bunch my fingers into a fist
And try to feel the pressure as my nails dig in.
It is I, me, myself.
And no one else is allowed in.

There are many miles to walk on
Some promises to break, many more to keep.
There are constellations to trace, skies to taste and poetry to bleed to the moon
Some lines to be remembered, many more to be forgotten.
The bands of blue that arch above, change colour as steps are taken one after another
Some take you where you wanted, many more everywhere else.
And no one else is allowed in?

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